Hand to Mouth
by Inanna
Summary: A writing exercise. Spelling edited. And a songfic, what a surprise. R for strong language. "I never told Duo about his father and me..."


I do not own Gundam Wing.  
  
"Hand to Mouth" From George Michael's Faith album, Sony/Columbia Records, 1987  
  
  
  
  
I never told Duo about his father and me. I just wouldn't be able to take the   
betrayal and confusion from the depths of those exquisite violet eyes.  
  
The last time I saw him, he and his little family were laughing as they strolled   
through the park.  
  
I thought, I'm a grandmother. I'm a grandmother.  
  
"Kara."  
  
A voice interrupts my thoughts. John, my husband, is calling to me.  
  
I'll see my son again tonight, I think as John walks into the room.  
  
My husband, Johannes "John" Noventa, works for the Earth Sphere United   
Nations. During its creation toward the end of AC 195, I met John and discovered that   
Duo was still alive, working for the Preventers.  
  
"I'm almost ready, dear," I tell him as I put on my earrings. He drops a kiss   
on my head.  
  
"Don't take too long," he whispers with a smile. "Sometimes you can be too   
late for even fashionably late."  
  
I stick my tongue out at him in mock exasperation. He laughs and leaves.  
  
He is the love of my life. Now.  
  
The thought brings back painful memories of my other love. My first love.   
Jimmy.  
  
  
  
"Jimmy got nothing, you hear me? You stay away from him," Mill said as he   
slapped me again. I staggered back from the blow.  
  
Mill, you always were a bastard, I thought, but I dare not say it. He'd have   
ripped my throat out as soon as I said it.  
  
I loved Jimmy though. For as long as I could remember. I loved him with all   
my heart, all my soul, everything that I was. But it ended up not being enough. One   
couldn't live on love alone. It "didn't get the bills paid" as the expression went.  
  
Jimmy found me that day after Mill beat me. His violet eyes burned with such   
an anger. He raked his fingers through his hair in frustration as he studied me.  
  
"How? How can you stay with him when he does stuff like this to you? I told   
you I'd take you away from him, from this, from all this," he said in a rush.  
  
"How?" I spat out in anger. "You've got no money, Jimmy. No job. No   
place. Who the hell, "out of the goodness of their hearts", is going to take a fourteen   
year old boy and his hooker girlfriend off the streets? Shinigami will be defeated long   
before that day comes, lover."  
  
Jimmy slammed his fists against the table.  
  
I jumped in my seat.  
  
Even though he'd never hit me before, I never would put it past him when he   
got angry. A girl like me who had been smacked around so many times really couldn't   
trust any guy not to smack her when he was angry.  
  
"God, why do you flinch like that? Doncha know I would never hurt you?" he   
whispered. He reached over and gathered me in his arms and kissed me on my   
forehead. His thumb wiped a tear from my cheek I hadn't even realized was there.  
  
I looked up at him and could see the tears spill down his cheeks. He never   
cried in front of me before. Never. I had seen him angry, afraid, happy. But the look   
he had in his eyes then was one of complete hopelessness. It ripped apart my soul.  
  
"Don't cry. Don't cry," I whispered as I kissed him softly. I rubbed my   
hands over his neck and down his back. He moaned into my kisses.  
  
"It's all right. We'll find a way. Somehow," I lied. I comforted him in the   
only way I knew how anymore.  
  
"Kara, I love you so much," he whispered over and over as we made love on   
the dirty little cot.  
  
"Yes, I know," I whispered. I bit my lip to keep from crying myself. It was   
all so hopeless. Mill would probably end up killing Jimmy and I would probably end   
up like my friend, Odette, found in a gutter in some seedy section of the colony,   
mutilated beyond recognition. It did frighten me to remember finding her body   
anymore. I figure I was already dead. Walking, talking, but dead. It was all just a   
matter of time now. Shinigami walked in my footsteps. He would be my last trick.  
  
Jimmy looked different as he buttoned his shirt. His eyes, his thoughts, were   
unreadable. It frightened me as I watched him walk the few steps across the tiny room,   
gathering his clothes.  
  
"Don't be going and making a name for yourself tonight, Jimmy. You might   
not like what you'll have to live with," I blurted out. Fear was slowly tightening a knot   
in my stomach. I didn't want him to leave, not tonight. Something was going to   
happen, but I didn't know what to say at the time to make him stay.  
  
He smiled as he leaned down and kissed my lips gently and then playfully   
nipped my nose.  
  
"It will be ok, love. You just stay here and get some sleep. I'll be back in a   
bit. Just going to take care of something that I saved for a rainy day. Have a coke and   
a smile, huh?" he said, referring to a little inside joke that we had. How it seemed all   
the rich people thought everything could be resolved with a coke and a smile.  
  
I giggled nervously as I lay back on the cot. He casually pushed back one of   
my chestnut colored locks and tucked it behind my eat, then silently slipped out the   
door.  
  
I turned and turned on the cot, but there was no way I was going to get to   
sleep that night. I was too worried about Jimmy. I just knew he was going to do   
something crazy, knew it in my bones. I got up and threw my clothes on.  
  
The wind cut into me like a cold hard knife as soon as I opened the door. The   
knot in my stomach contracted painfully and sent its tendrils rushing out over my body.  
  
Jimmy. Oh, Gods, please. Save Jimmy. Save Jimmy, I thought.  
  
I ran as fast as I could to the corner Mill watched.  
  
I hadn't even realized that Jimmy had been caring a gun when he was in the   
room with me, don't know where he got it from, didn't care. I just didn't want him to   
get killed.  
  
  
  
"Jimmy!" I screamed as I rounded the corner.  
  
He had the gun trained on Mill and a couple of his buddies. Mill was smoking   
a cigarette nonchalantly. His friends didn't seem quite that calm but they stood their   
ground. Mill started laughing when he saw me and tossed the cigarette aside.  
  
"I told you I would be back in a little bit, Kara," Jimmy said tersely. "Go   
home."  
  
"Yeah, why don't you remember who set you up in that little cozy home of   
yours, Kara," Mill piped in and then laughed, "You always were a hardheaded little   
bitch. And I'm beginning to think that you like to get smacked around. I told you to   
stay away from him and now I see you coming after him. He's distracting you from   
your business. Now, why don't you be a good little girl and run along now. I'll deal   
with you after I deal with this boy."  
  
"You're never going to touch her again, Mill," Jimmy replied calmly. Too   
calmly. Though there had been days were I would have gladly ripped Mill's heart out   
with my bare hands, I didn't want to see this happen to Jimmy. It would be jail time for   
him or worse. Everything that I loved about him would simply crumble to dust if that   
happened. I needed to find out a way to stop this before it went any further.  
  
"Mill, I think you should leave. Quietly. And nobody will get hurt."  
  
Mill laughed.  
  
"You think? You think! You don't get paid to think, you silly little cunt. You   
get paid to lay on your back and do everything the nice men and I tell you to do and   
you like it. Do you hear me? Now get your ass home before I come over there and   
clean up the street with you and this runt."  
  
If I had the gun, I would have put a shot right between his eyes right when he   
called me a cunt. I could hear the safety unlocking and the trigger squeezing back   
before I could turn to Jimmy. Mill had made a mistake. Only part of me wished he   
would live to regret it.  
  
"When you speak to Kara, you'll show some respect," Jimmy said as he fired   
the gun again. Mill was already staring at me with glassy eyes. The two friends tried   
to scramble over one another, but I just stood there. I watched Jimmy as he just blew   
them all away.  
  
The trigger click, click, clicked as Jimmy stood there, still shooting them with   
an empty gun. After a minute or two, he finally stopped and turned to me. He held out   
his hand.  
  
"Come on, Kara, let's go home," he said in that calm voice of his.  
  
We stood there looking at one another for several minutes. His hand was so   
close I could have reached out and clasped it.  
  
Instead, I turned and ran with all the life left in me. I left him and everything   
behind. I stowed away on a shuttle for another colony that left that very hour.  
  
  
  
The news had a sound bite of him as he was walking out of the courtroom. I   
looked at him and the sob escaped before I could stop it. Shinigami walked with him.   
All his hope was gone, the vibrancy and the tenderness that he had carried for me was   
already gone.  
  
One of the reporters shouted out, "Why did you do it?"  
  
He just said distractedly, "They made me crazy." Then he realized that the   
cameras were on him.  
  
"I love you, Kara!" he screamed. He actually looked sane for that one brief   
moment. Then Shinigami stepped back into his shadow and Jimmy was gone.  
  
I shoved my way back out of the crowd around the monitors. The monitors   
words followed me as I tried to make my escape.  
  
He was sentenced to twenty-five years hard labor. The reporter said he would   
be living hand to mouth.  
  
I laughed bitterly. He might just survive it, I thought. All our lives, it's been   
hand to mouth.  
  
  
  
And it was still that way for me nine months later when I gave birth to   
Jimmy's child. I knew it was Jimmy's. He had those beautiful intense violet eyes of   
his.  
  
"Oh, my love. Sweet little baby," I whispered.  
  
  
  
I bundled him up and left him on a big wide door step. With a note that read,   
"He needs his mother, but his mother is dead."  
  
He began to cry as I got up to leave him. I got back down on my knees.  
  
"Sweet little baby. I can't keep you. I'm just another hooker that the lucky   
forget. Just another hooker," I said softly as I rubbed my thumb over the back of his   
hand. "It happens everyday. I love you so much, little baby, but I just can't stand   
seeing you live hand to mouth."  
  
I placed a kiss on his forehead, rang the bell, then walked away. I never   
looked back.  
  
  
  
"I believe in the Gods of America. I believe in the land of the Free," I   
whispered as I walked away. "Keep him safe and loved, please."  
But no one ever told me that the Gods believe in nothing. The brief happiness   
he had died when his adoptive parents died while the Federation were having a certain   
number of people "prove" their loyalty. His adoptive parents were proud people. They   
didn't live to regret their mistake either. Duo, however, did.  
  
  
  
I lost myself after that. The only thing that kept me alive was with empty   
hands, I prayed and from day to hopeless day, I still couldn't see the fact that Duo   
maybe dead. I refused to believe it. Shinigami wouldn't win, not with my son. I   
would fight Shinigami tooth and nail for my son. And praying that Shinigami would   
stay away was the only thing I had for the next four years.  
  
  
  
That's when I met Dekim Barton. He took me in not only because I had a   
pretty face as he said, but because I was clean and sober and that the lab tests he had   
done on me showed that I was free of disease. I felt more like a prize horse then a   
human when he said that.  
  
He was a slimy old bastard. So much like Mill, but only with more money.   
And his son Trowa was just like him. People always talk about how the new   
generation was going to jump on the wagon and leave it all behind. Not Trowa. He   
had the same attitude his father did, whatever he couldn't fuck, he wanted to kill. And   
there were more than a few narrow escapes for me. One encounter with the younger   
Barton left me with ugly bruises on my throat and hoarse for a week.   
  
I always think about the irony of them and that time. Everyone thought that   
they were such great men, but neither one of them gave a thought to the rest of the   
nation. They only ever saw what their own ambitions could obtain.  
  
Dekim sighed in exasperation when he saw the bruises on my neck. He called   
Trowa in as I sat on the bed in my thin negligee.  
  
"Do you see this?" he asked Trowa. Trowa did not respond quick enough for   
his father. Even though Dekim did look like a bit of an old geezer, his backhand still   
carried a wallop. I had the opportunity to experience it on a number of occasions as   
Trowa did now. I fought to keep from wincing. That was one thing that did not Dekim   
happy. He hated "shrinking violets" as he would say and then would proceed to dole   
out "something to wince about."  
  
The young man tilted slightly to one side from the blow. I could see the   
murder in his eyes, but his hands remained casually clasped his back.  
  
"Do you see this?" Dekim asked again.  
  
"Yes," Trowa said calmly.  
  
"If you want to find a pretty girl and beat the hell out of her, Trowa, I suggest   
you find your own. Immediately. And leave Kara alone. She is mine to do with what   
I please, not you. Go out and find your own little trinkets. Now get the hell out."  
  
Dekim darkened the lights before climbing into bed with me. He ripped my   
gown trying to remove it. He had a habit of doing that. He grabbed me by the hair and   
yanked my head back. My eyes teared up from the pain.  
  
"Why do you have to wear this goddamn frippery all the time. If I want you   
in it, I'll tell you to put it on."  
  
The rest of it was a haze just like any other night that Dekim was with me. I   
moaned and groaned when I was suppose to, performed my mistressly duties just like I   
was suppose to. Over all, a good little mistress. It kept me alive. It gave me access to   
things that I had not been use to having before. Food, clothing, shelter, and money.   
Lots of money. Even though Dekim was a cur of the highest magnitude, he could still   
be a little generous with his money. There were baubles, gifts, play money. He always   
seemed to like tossing a few credit chips on my naked body after sex and tell me to "go   
make myself pretty".  
  
It was a day after one of those credit tossing occasions that I decided to "go   
make myself pretty."  
  
That's when I saw Duo again. He was across the street as I walked down to   
the aircar, begging. I knew it was him. His face looked so much like Jimmy's when he   
was seven that I almost thought I was losing my mind for a moment. Except for the   
chestnut hair pulled back in one long braid. His little priest outfit looked worn but   
clean. My chest felt like someone was slowly dissecting it, taking pleasure in every   
painful heartbeat that slammed in my ribs, leaving long jagged knife marks in my lungs   
as I tried to breath.  
  
He noticed me for a second. An odd expression crossed his face. I must have   
been staring. I looked down at my open purse and rearrange one or two things.  
  
"Hey, mister, can you spare a few extra credits," I could hear him ask a man as   
he walked by.  
  
"Sorry, would like to help you, buddy, but I haven't got the time," the man   
muttered and kept on walking.  
  
I looked up at Duo then. He stuck his tongue out at the man and shouted   
sarcastically, "Gods, save me." The man didn't look back, just started to cross the   
street with his head down.  
  
The pain disappeared. It was replaced with rage that flowed out into my legs,   
down to my toes, into my arms and down to my fingertips. People could treat me like   
dirt all they wanted to, I was use to it at this point, but I'd be damned if I was going to   
let someone do that to Duo. I walked across the street, bumping the man so hard that   
he stumbled. I didn't turn to apologize. I didn't turn my head one degree to see what   
his condition was like. To hell with him. He was one of the types that could have no   
empathy for anyone unless everybody started living hand to mouth.  
  
Duo looked like he was about to turn and run when I walked up to him so   
abruptly after bumping into the man.  
  
"It's all right," I said in my most soothing voice. Duo looked at me   
skeptically.  
  
"It's all right, really, little one. You needed some credits? Are you hungry?   
Do you need shelter?" I said in a rush.  
  
Duo seemed to relax a little, but he still studied me with intent.  
  
"You're the big white lady from the big wide doorstep over there, aren't you?"   
he asked after a moment.  
  
I blushed. I suppose I would look like a big white lady in my clothes and hat   
to a seven year old.  
  
"Yes. My name's Kara. What's yours?"  
  
"Duo."  
  
"Duo, that's an unusual name."  
  
"Yeah," he nodded his head in agreement," but we all can't be con...con..."  
  
"Conventional?" I asked. I bit the inside of my cheek so I wouldn't giggle.   
He was so adorable when he was serious. The skin at the bridge of his nose would   
crinkle up just like Jimmy's did when he was lost in serious thought.  
  
"Yeah, that's it," Duo said with a smile. His smile was radiant, an image I   
would carry with me forever. He studied his shoes for a moment.  
  
"I really don't need money," he said finally.  
  
"Oh?" I replied.  
  
"It's for my church. See they don't have a lot of money and sometimes, well, I   
beg so that they can have some money."  
  
"Oh, I see," I said, "That's a very noble cause for someone so young like you."  
  
"I'm not that young," he said defiantly, looking me straight in the eyes. My   
legs turned to water and I knelt down beside him to keep from falling. It placed me   
right on his eye level. I bit my the inside of my cheek again to fight off the   
overwhelming emotion to take him into my arms.  
  
"No, I don't suppose you are," I said softly, "And that's a shame. No one   
should have to grow up before their time." He shrugged indifferently.  
  
"So your church needs money, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, can you spare some credit chips?"  
  
"I don't know, how many pockets does that outfit have?" I asked.  
  
"A couple," he said. Confusion edged his voice.  
  
"Well, then I guess you'll just need to hold onto the overflow really tight in   
your hands, ok?" I said as I pulled out fistful after fistful of credit chips from my purse.   
Duo's eyes went as wide as saucers."Where did you get all those credit chips from,   
Lady?" he asked as I filled one pocket then the other with the chips. "Did you rob the   
army or something?"  
  
I was in the process of replying, "Or something," when Dekim grabbed me by   
the arm and spun me around to face him.  
  
"What are you doing here, Kara? With this street urchin? It looks like you   
are making a scene," he said heatedly.  
  
"I'm sorry, Dekim," I replied huskily. "Besides, the little boy is collecting   
donations for his church. I didn't think it would do any harm." I could see the word   
No flash in Dekim's eyes. I traced a finger seductively along his cravat.  
  
"Besides, if you let me do this, I'll.." I leaned up and whispered some very   
painful and unusual sexual acts I could perform on him with high heels. Part of me   
wanted to vomit as I whispered the words to him while the other half would do   
anything to protect Duo. I could see a smile form across Dekim's lips.  
  
"Yes, I think I might enjoy that quite well. Give your street urchin the   
credits."  
  
"You always were a sugar daddy," I whispered in his ear. My hat covered my   
face so no one saw me grimace as I delicately ran my tongue over Dekim's earlobe just   
before I pulled away. I couldn't stand to feel his erection pressing against my thigh any   
longer. I wanted to tear my skin off where he had pressed against me.  
  
"Yes, well," Dekim piped up cheerily. "We have to give a little for the dollars   
that we get, have to give a little to say 'It's all for the best.', don't we?"  
  
I crammed the last fistful of credits into Duo's open hands, thinking, You are   
such a hypocritical ass, Dekim.  
  
"You better go," I whispered to Duo. He nodded.  
  
"Are you going to be all right? Is it all the best for you?" Duo asked me. I   
looked into his deep violet eyes and thought, how odd. That would be just like   
something Jimmy would say. The deja vu was starting to unnerve me. I was silent for   
a moment.  
  
"Maybe," I said in a tone so low only the child could hear it, "But I'm a   
woman. I can take care of myself."  
  
"You don't look so old," he whispered to me. I glared at him. I wanted to   
show him that he was not the only one who had grown up too fast.  
  
"Your eyes are really old though," he said after staring back at me for a   
moment. He never flinched, didn't budge one inch.   
  
Oh, Duo, I wish I could be as strong as you, I thought.   
  
"I'll be all right. You better go now," I said to him. I wanted so much for him   
to stay, to keep him with me, but Gods only knew what Dekim or Trowa for that   
matter, would do to him. He turned to leave. I bit my cheek so hard to keep from   
crying that I could taste the salty, metallic blood on my tongue.  
  
"Duo," I croaked. He looked at me oddly. I grasped my kerchief and pinched   
my now runny nose. I took a deep breath.  
  
"Take care of yourself, huh?"  
  
Duo gave me a broad grin again.  
  
"I will, not even Shinigami can beat me."  
  
I stood up and let Dekim lead me away. I chanced one more glance back and   
saw him running off down the block, his little fists curled around the credits and his   
braid flying behind him.  
  
I hope you're right, little love, that not even Shinigami can beat you.  
  
  
  
The years went by. Most of my time was occupied preventing getting my   
neck broken and attempting to get some kind of security for myself. I thought about   
Duo a lot during those times. Wondering how he was, if he had beat Shinigami or if   
Shinigami beat him. Strange even though he was so young, I believed that it he took   
Shinigami on, it would be an even match. It seemed that Duo and Shinigami were the   
only things I had faith in anymore.  
  
One night early in AC 194, Dekim came home and walked to my closet as I   
lay on the bed. He ripped the clothes from the hanger and started throwing them at me.   
I grabbed at them and took some to shield me as he began to throw shoes and such at   
me. I winced as the thrown jewelry box connected with my hip. Stars dazzled behind   
my eyelids when I squeezed them shut in pain. For the one time in my life, I could feel   
the anger rising up in me. I was so, so sick of this. Living in fear, wondering if I   
would still be sleeping in the same soft bed the next night or in the morgue.   
Wondering if I would be eating an elegant dinner or begging on the corner, living hand   
to mouth.  
  
"Get out," Dekim growled at me. "Take all your whoring things and get out.   
I'm done with you."  
  
I stood up and gently tested the weight on my hip. I could walk for the time   
being.  
  
"What, Dekim, someone in power finally turn their nose down on your antics?   
Finally find someone you could neither fuck nor kill.? Who? Treize Khushrenada?   
You know, I must buy that man a drink when I meet him."  
  
Dekim lunged at me. I felt the back of his closed fist connect with my face. I   
spun around and landed on the bed. I lay there stunned for a moment as I watched   
blood from my cut lip drip down on the sheets.  
  
"Who asked you? You're nothing but a common whore. Your inane   
jabbering was something that I tolerated for sometime, Kara, but no more. I never   
understood why you couldn't keep your mouth shut, just lay on your back and keep   
your legs spread like any good whore would. If you must know why you are leaving,   
yes, you have become a liability. Now be a good little slut, get your things and crawl   
back to whatever gutter you came from."  
  
I casually stretched my hand out over my jewelry box as he spoke, waiting for   
the buzzing to clear out of my head. He had turned his head as if beginning to walk   
away. That's when I smashed the box into his face with all my might. He fell to the   
floor with a thud.  
  
"You're not the only one who's had enough, Dekim. All these years, do you   
think I enjoyed your touch? You make my skin crawl. Do you think I'm going to   
crawl back into the gutter just because you no longer want me? The hell I am. You   
think you are so strong, powerful, and untouchable. Well, I'm hear to tell you, my   
friend, you're not. You forget just how much a whore can learn when she runs into the   
arms of powerful men and kisses the powers that be. All that time, she is learning,   
scheming, manipulating, finding herself the insurance that she will never have to live   
hand to mouth again. So you may think you're a big and powerful man, but I have you   
by the balls, dear. And if you press me or try to hurt me, you're going to find out just   
how hard I can squeeze and once I'm done with you, you'll think a visit from   
Shinigami would be a more pleasant event."  
  
I walked over his body and out the door.  
  
  
  
I headed to Earth that evening. I had saved enough to have a very quiet and   
modest life. I may not have been able to save Jimmy or Duo, but finally I was able to   
save myself. I still hoped Duo was alive. Everyday, throughout Operations Meteor,   
Daybreak, Nova, and the Eve Wars, I prayed with my empty hands that he would be   
safe. He was old enough to be a soldier and the thought of him being in that much   
danger again was tearing me apart inside.  
  
I never asked the Gods to be reunited with him, to have some silly fantasy of   
him running into my arms and having this unreal relationship with him. I abandoned   
him. If he had stayed with me, he would have died. I abandoned him in the hopes that   
Shinigami would over look him and take favor on someone else. If he had stayed with   
me, Shinigami would take him away far too soon. So I prayed to the Gods and the   
Fates that he may have a chance, to keep Shinigami at bay for as long as they could.   
So with empty hands, I prayed and told myself that one day, I just might see him again.  
  
  
  
I met John during Operation Nova. I had never met such a brave man, if   
incredibly idealistic, but we all have our flaws. He openly spoke about unifying Earth,   
that there was no Oz or Romefeller, that the war was doing nothing but tearing   
everything that we had all worked so hard to achieve apart. That it was futile. That   
peace was the only answer.  
  
Something got to me about his speech. It was like he was preaching to the   
masses, but he was removed from them. He didn't know what is was like to be one of   
the masses.  
  
I stood up and shouted angrily, "You stand there and you preach about peace.   
Why don't your put your credits were your mouth is. There are people out here that   
have nothing left. That Romefeller, Oz, even the Earth Sphere Alliance over looked   
while they're all there out killing one another, being boys with their toys. Instead of   
standing there TELLING these people who are living hand to mouth what peace is like   
- why don't you SHOW them?" A ripple of agreement ran through the crowd. John   
stood there shocked at my outburst for a few moments.  
  
"You're right," he said quietly. I was more than a little shocked that a   
bureaucrat would agree with me. I thought that most of them where just like Dekim,   
only concerned with their own ambitions.  
  
"People aren't going to know peace unless they experience it firsthand. They   
aren't going to know what community is if there is no place to build it."  
  
The crowd began to break up and I turned away. I hadn't walked more than a   
few steps when I felt a hand grasp my elbow. I looked up at the figure standing next to   
me warily. Then I recognized that it was John.  
  
"Oh, it's you," I said dismissively. I pulled my elbow out of his grasp and   
continued walking. I almost smirked at the look of shock that covered his face for a   
moment before disappearing again. I guess he wasn't use to being put aside just like   
that, then again little rich boys usually weren't use to that sort of thing.  
  
"Wait," he called after me. I kept walking. He ran up next to me after a   
moment, a little out of breath from the run, but likely more flustered than anything else.  
  
"Could you stop for a moment?" he asked. "Please?"  
  
I turned and looked at him. He stood there. I could see the little cogs working   
in his mind. God, what a politician, I thought. He's going to try and sit there and give   
me the perfect speech when he opened his mouth. Good Gods, we'd been into the next   
century at by the time he actually open his mouth.  
  
"Look if you are going to something to me, say it. I haven't got all day."  
  
"I thought that what you said back there was very eloquent, is all," he said.   
He had a sheepish grin on his face. Something made me think he didn't just come after   
me because my speech was eloquent.  
  
"It wasn't a speech, Mr. Whoever You Are, it's the truth." I turned to walk   
away again. He grabbed my elbow. I glared down at his hand before looking up at   
him.  
  
"Look," he blurted out, "This isn't going anything like I planned."  
  
"Maybe you shouldn't plan so much."  
  
Can we start over again?" he asked. He held out his hand to me and said,   
"My name is Johannes, but everyone calls me John." I looked at the proffered hand for   
a moment before taking it.  
  
"My name is Kara."  
  
  
  
It definitely wasn't one of those whirlwind romances with John. We were   
together for a few years before tying the knot. In that time, I did grow to love him, but   
more importantly I felt safe with him. I had never felt that before with a man and I   
guarded it zealously.  
  
  
  
"Kara."  
  
I jump in my seat. John's reflection holds concern as I look at his reflection in   
the mirror.  
  
"Sorry, love," I say as I grab my wrap and stand up. "I was just   
woolgathering."  
  
The night is beautiful. Not too cold not too hot. The smell of orange   
blossoms fill the air.  
  
John and I are greeted by Miss Dorlian at the door. She compliments me on   
my gown. I thank her. John clasps my hand and we walk into the ballroom. I grab a   
couple of champagne glasses off a nearby tray. John murmurs his thanks and drops a   
kiss on my bare shoulder. I smile a big smile back at him. I love it when he is   
affectionate like that.  
  
The evening winds on. John and I have danced several dances. I hobnob with   
several of his male associates, one of which seems to not be aware of proper decorum   
when dancing with a woman. He keeps trying to place his hands on me possessively as   
we dance, his breath on my neck and chest. My heel "accidentally" finds his instep. I   
apologize profusely. John is immediately at my side and deftly pulls me away from the   
man.  
  
I walk along with John and smile to the people we pass.  
  
I whisper to John through a smile and wave at some acquaintances at the same   
time, "I don't care how important the deal is. If I have to dance with that man again,   
I'll castrate him."  
  
I can see John wince for an instance out of the corner of my eye. He sees   
someone else and waves to them. I follow his attention and see some more delegates   
from E.S.U.N. and smile.  
  
John says to me as he is smiling, "I wouldn't dream of it, love. If he gets   
close enough to touch you again, I'll kill him myself."  
  
I pick up a glass of champagne and purr to him as I put the glass up to my lips,   
"Now I remember why I married you."  
  
John discreetly reaches down and gives my bottom a pinch. I swallow a   
bigger sip of champagne then I intend and begin to cough a bit. John rubs my   
shoulders with his hand.  
  
"You're going to pay for that tonight," I gasp out.  
  
"Promise?" he murmurs. There is a twinkle in his eye. I place my glass down   
on a nearby table."  
  
"No time like the present," I say.  
  
We turn to get our things and leave when Miss Dorlian approaches with   
another couple. It's Duo and his wife. I can feel my heart drop right through the floor   
as I look at him. What a handsome young man he has grown up to be. His wife almost   
seems like a slip of a girl, with a pixie face and bright blue eyes.  
  
"I'm so glad I could find you, John. I've been telling Duo and Hilde here   
about you and your efforts, so they were very eager to met you," Miss Dorlian says.   
She extends her hand to us before Duo and his wife, Hilde.  
  
"Duo and Hilde Maxwell, this is Johannes Noventa and his wife, Kara.  
  
"Call me John," my husband says as he extends his hand forward. Duo, then   
Hilde shakes John's hand. Duo then turns to me and shakes my hand, but he stops for   
a moment and looks at me quizzically. I can feel my cheeks burning. I haven't   
blushed in years. I look down at the floor to avoid his gaze.  
  
"Do I know you?" he asks. I look over at his wife, Hilde. She has a crease in   
her brow. Her eyes discreetly look at me, then to Duo, then back to me again. A   
recognition of a different kind registers in her eyes. I look at her for a moment and she   
stares back at me. No, she's not about to give away secrets that are not hers to give.   
The pounding of my heartbeat backs down a bit and I can feel a cool sweat break   
across my shoulders. I clasp Duo's hand lightly.  
  
"No, I don't think we have ever met before," I say lightly.  
  
John and Duo talk for a few moments about the proposal John has been   
working so hard on.  
  
"Well, it's sounds like you have a rough road ahead of you. E.S.U.N. is not   
going to be that easily convinced," Duo tells John. John seems a little disappointed   
from Duo's statement. I try to bolster John's confidence.  
  
"We'll get it past if we have to go through Shinigami himself," I blurt out.  
  
Hilde practically spits out the champagne she is drinking and Duo stands there   
stunned for a minute, then begins to howl with laughter.  
  
"What?" I ask, confused. "What did I say?"  
  
Hilde places the back of her hand to blot the drops of fluid from her lips.  
  
"It's nothing really. It's just a nickname of Duo's," she says. I look at Duo in   
shock. His grin only broadens. I stare at him for so long that he starts to grow a little   
uncomfortable.  
  
"Shinigami didn't take you because you became Shinigami," I murmur.  
  
"Huh?" he replied. I shake my head to clear my thoughts.  
  
"I'm sorry, I was thinking about other times and other things." I place my   
fingers to my temples.  
  
"I'm sorry," I apologize, "I suddenly find myself not feeling well." John   
looks at me in concern and I loop my arm through his for support.  
  
"Would you excuse us?" John says. Duo and Hilde nod.  
  
"What was that all about?" I hear Duo ask as we walk away. I could hear   
Hilde repeat what I said in a hushed voice. Duo snorts.  
  
"Who knew I would get a cryptic fortune telling tonight, huh, babe? Come   
on, let's dance."  
  
I turn my head back. Duo is already turning toward the dance stage, but Hilde   
can see my gaze and returns it. She caresses the back of Duo's head as she looks at   
me. She seems to say 'I have and will watch over him. This Shinigami is safe.'   
Comforted by that, I turn away as I watch my son drag his wife down to the dance   
floor.  
  
He has a brave wife, I thought as I nestle closer to John. A match for both   
Duo and Shinigami. I am more tired than I realize. It seems like a weight that I had   
been carrying for years suddenly lifted and dissipated then and I am left exhausted by   
its removal. I realize also that the Gods have granted my wish, that all those years that   
with the empty hands I prayed and maybe just one day I see my son again, that   
Shinigami lost the battle because my son became Shinigami and found a wife and a   
living to match him. I find that for the first time in my life, I am truly joyful. I know   
that this moment won't last forever, but for the moment I quietly celebrate it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hand To Mouth  
  
Jimmy got nothing  
Made a name for himself  
With a gun that he purchased  
For a rainy day  
A smile and a coke  
From a vigilante movie  
I watched Jimmy  
Just blew them all away  
He said they made him crazy  
25 years and  
  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth   
Hand to Mouth   
Hand to Mouth  
  
Sweet little baby  
On a big wide door step  
She needs her mother  
But her mother is dead  
Just another hooker  
That the lucky forget  
Just another hooker  
It happens everyday  
She loved her little baby  
But she couldn't bare seeing  
  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth  
  
I believe in the Gods of America  
I believe in the Land of the Free  
But no one told me  
That the Gods believe in nothing  
So with empty hands I pray  
And from day to hopeless day  
I still don't see  
  
Everybody talks about the new generation  
Jump on the wagon  
Gonna leave it behind  
But no one gave a thought to the rest of the nation  
Like to help you buddy  
But I haven't got the time  
Somebody shouted "Save me!"  
Everybody started living   
  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth  
  
There's a big white lady  
On the big wide door step  
She asked her daddy  
And her daddy said yes  
Has to give a little  
For the dollars that we get  
Has to give a little for to say  
'It's for the best.'  
Somebody shouted "Maybe"  
Kept on living from  
  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth  
Hand to Mouth  
  
So she ran to the arms of America  
And she kissed the powers that be  
And someone told me the Gods believe in nothing  
So with empty hands I pray  
And tell myself one day it just might be  
Just might see  
  
  
  
  
  
Hi everyone. I just wanted to do something bleak again. I was angry and depressed at   
the time, so I wanted to right something to get my frustration out. Needless to say, the   
writing was very cathartic for me. I changed the baby on the doorstep from a she to a   
he cause this just sounds like such a Duo like song to me. I changed the part of "she   
ran to the arms of America cause the lyric just sounded a little too awkward at the time.   
Mea cupla.  



End file.
